How to recognise low self esteem or a dip in confidence?

Hi there, Arran here,welcome to my blog.

I was sitting at my desk earlier today, and I started to think about what to write for this blog.I thought ,before I understood the symptoms of low self esteem, I didn't realize that I had suffered from anything...I thought it was natural to feel that way. SO...

How do you know if you suffer from a lack of confidence or low self esteem?

There isn’t some light that flashes on or nasty rash that appears when you do is there! Family or friends won’t hit you with it over Sunday lunch or a night down the pub will they? Even if you do believe you do, you wouldn’t stand up in front of your friends or work colleagues and pronounce ‘My name is Arran and I suffer from low self esteem ' would you!

You may appear very ‘normal’ to the outside world, have a good job, relationship and family but inside you can feel there is something adrift;a fear or a deep rooted self criticism which you carry around, like a stone. Your low confidence may not manifest itself in every situation, at work you may be the powerhouse, go getter, someone who everyone wishes they could be. Out of work though, you may struggle to form relationships, and maintain them or have the confidence to go new places. Being out of your comfort zone may fill you will dread and self doubt, you may worry about what others think of you and feel like your constantly acting to try and please .

Wherever it appears, be assured that you are not alone.

Many people go through their whole lives just accepting, resigned to the feeling of ‘that’s just how it is’. They miss opportunities of love, success, growth and harmony while they struggle to maintain the equilibrium between 'The Fear' and really living. If you feel you may lack self confidence, check through the following questions and see which ones best suits your behaviour. It may be some, it may be several, the point is, to begin to identify the situations and slowly work on those areas.

• Would you say you were a risk taker, or do you prefer to stay within your comfort zone for fear of failure?
• Are your choices your own, or do you let yourself be swayed by those around you and their expectations?
• Are you comfortable to admit to mistakes, or do you try and hide them in fear of embarrassment?
• Do you accept compliments easily, or do you play them down?
• Are you comfortable telling people your strengths or would you rather tell them how rubbish you are at things?

This short series of questions will not conclusively prove you have low self esteem, though perhaps they may help you recognize the areas in which you are allowing your confidence to dip.

Realizing you may suffer from low self esteem or confidence is the first step to changing the path you are on. Then like anything, be it a hobby, relationship, job or a dream, it is down to you to take responsibility, put in the effort and look for a solution.

To find out more about my forthcoming free seminars on self esteem and confidence,drop me a blank e-mail to arran@coaching4change.co.uk

Warmest wishes

Arran

Just say ‘No’ for higher self esteem and confidence.

Hi, its Arran here, could you just do me a favour? How many times have you said ‘YES’ to someone, when all you really wanted to say was a big fat ‘NO’? At work, to a friend or in a relationship it happens all the time doesn’t it? The next question is then…WHY do we do it, when it often causes us hardship or pain, puts us in difficult position or worse still makes us feel bad about ourselves. The answer is that we want people to accept us, like us or love us. By doing so are they thinking of us or themselves, and if they are thinking of themselves then do we really want or need their acceptance anyway? Be aware that it is truly impossible to give to everyone without losing something from ourselves. If we looked at a successful business person like Sir Alan Sugar or the late Dame Anita Roderick, do you think they would say ‘YES’ when what they really meant to say was 'NO'! If we are to raise our own standards and self esteem the use of the word 'NO' has to be one of the greatest weapons in our armoury. It sends a powerful message to people around you, begins your journey to self empowerment, and tells everyone what you are willing to put up with in your life. It is important to understand that the key to greater confidence lies in building confidence in yourself and not in those around you and by not always submitting to their wants, power lies firmly in your hands and not with others. Now I’m not advocating saying ‘NO’ for the sake of it, so it will take practice, but once you have mastered listening to your internal voice and innate instinct the time you take to say YES or NO will become quicker. My Coaching Tip; If you feel that people catch you on the spot and your habit of saying ‘YES’ takes over, remember there is always a few words which will allow you some space to consider your decision!

The words, ‘I’ll get back to you on that, ok?’ will often give you the time required to ponder if, you are really up for their ask!

A good exercise to start with is to begin a journal and make a note of when you wished you could have said ‘NO’ to someone. Make a note of the following too;

• How many times a day or week is it happening?
• How does it make you feel afterwards?
• What is the worst that could have happened if you had said the word NO?
• What have you given up yourself in order for you to say YES?

A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE;

Being popular because you are the one who never says 'NO', may be useful to the people around you but for you it is invisibly hammering your own self esteem and confidence. The people around you who accept, love and understand you will honour your decision and by saying 'No', will allow you more time and space to work on your own goals and dreams.

To help build your own self esteem and confidence use the word 'YES' when YOU WANT TO and never when someone else requires you to. With Christmas fast approaching and the impending pressure that it can bring, perhaps this blog is more appropriate than ever.......what do you think?....

Warmest wishes

Arran

Don't get SAD look after yourself...

Hi and welcome to this months coaching blog. How much is your general mood connected to low self esteem and a feeling of low confidence?

Who likes winter? Dark mornings and frost on your car can really get to you sometimes don't you think? These months ahead can be full of doom and gloom if you let it and it takes a little more effort to look after yourself in winter. Whether it is eating healthily or exercising, taking care of your body is essential to a healthy mind and spirit. In lasts months blog, I looked at ways to help build low self esteem and described the essential ingredient, of loving yourself. For some, with me included, the effects of winter can make loving yourself a little harder with the lack of sunshine and the onset of 'winter depression'.

The terms 'winter depression' and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) describe a form of depression that occurs in the winter months. Women are affected more often than men, and the prominent symptoms are lack of energy,irritability,overeating on carbohydrate food and the lack of interest in socialising. It is unusual for these symptoms to be of sufficient severity for them to be brought to the attention of doctors but for those individuals who do find that they need medical help, all the usual medication and psychological treatments may be tried. There have also been reports of successful treatment using exposure to bright light so if you can do a month in the southern hemisphere then go for it! There is a small proportion of people with regular winter depression who find that their mood does not simply return to normal in the spring/summer,and it is possible that these individuals have a seasonal bipolar affective disorder (seasonal manic depression).

What causes winter depression?

In some people the relationship to the seasons is simply because of stresses and difficulties that regularly happen for them at this time of year such as Christmas and the Eastenders omnibus.

Seriously though, it has been suggested that the release of a brain chemical (melatonin) may be involved. Melatonin release is influenced by exposure to light and can have an effect on several bodily rhythms . If you also suffer from low self esteem the effects of SAD can lower your defences and make you more likely to not to try and make the changes you so deserve.

How is SAD treated.

Through anti depression medication.

Psychological therapy.

Bright Light therapy.

If you feel you may be suffering from SAD, then I suggest you consult your doctor for the correct diagnosis and treatment. Thanks to Dr Henrik Dam for the information on SAD.

Here is a great quote I picked up this week.

'Self-improvement is great if it's done in a spirit of fun and creativity; however, if we are always feeling that we aren't good enough as we are, we will never be satisfied'.

Until next month

Arran

Low Self Esteem and Self Confidence?

Hi there and welcome to my blog. If you're one of those people who suffers from low self esteem or a lack of confidence then this post is for you. Being a coach, I have the pleasure of talking and listening to all types of people. From business owners to musicians and however different they all are, if I was asked to pin point one particular pain that threads through most of them, I would have say it was the underlying feelings of low self esteem. This is not always visible on the surface and often even the most outgoing and confident person can suffer this pain which quietly broods inside of them affecting every corner of their life.

So what's so important in having a high regard for yourself anyway?

Well it determines your standards and what you are willing to accept or settle for! It also has a direct correlation to how much money you feel you deserve to earn or feel you can make. It can influence how well you treat your body and your health and how others respect you and treat you. People love being around confident people, they radiate a positive energy, so it affects the relationships you make as well.

The question is then, if you're not confident and have low self esteem..

Where has it come from ? How can it affect your life, and how can it be brought under control? Well, not surprisingly we are not born with low self esteem or confidence, it's something we have learnt along the way.If a parent of a child suffers from low self esteem and lacks confidence, it is very likely the child will grow up with the same behaviour patterns because they have learnt from them. Some may say 'but I always tell my child how great they are and show them we love them'. Unfortunately the thing is, it's like when you tell a child not to smoke when you are a chain smoker. People who lack in confidence often get 'stuck'. So you see, your entire destiny is shaped by your degree of confidence.

So whats the first step to becoming more confident?

In my opinion, loving and accepting ourselves is critical in experiencing joy, happiness, and success in life.When you really love yourself and you really love other people, you find that life flows, and no matter what happens you can always find a way to enjoy yourself and feel fulfilled. Before you can change things you need to be aware of what things in your life you want to change and what you no longer wish to put up with. Make a pact with yourself and begin by following these steps, so that when you take control of your life anything is within your reach.

• Write down everything you are not happy with.

• Write down how you can change this.

• Write down specifically everything you want in your life(goals)

• What situations make you feel the most angry and frustrated

• What do you fear most in your life today?

• What would it mean if this came true?

• List 5 fears you hold currently hold.

Then finish these sentences...

'I like myself least when I... 'I like myself most when I...

Finally.... Like it or not, what ever exists in your life, the good, the bad and the ugly is there because of you. FACT Through your beliefs, thoughts, choices and actions the situation has come about. (Please never feel like a victim: it is disempowering and will not serve you well) Blaming someone else or relying on them to change their behaviour takes control out of your hands.When you take responsibility (your choice) and resolve an issue, you also raise your self esteem and confidence. Take one step at a time and gradually move ahead with the things you want to change. Instead of spending 80% of your time focusing on the problem, turn it around and focus 80% on the solution and 20% of the time on the challenge (problem).

Do you realise that there are a very small percentage of people on this planet that are living life on their own terms.

It is estimated to be only about 2% of the world's population! Those who tend to succeed in life and achieve those things that they want are those that hold empowering beliefs about themselves. These people have a very special relationship with the subconscious part of their minds and, whether consciously or unconsciously, they are very adapt at programming it with positive messages that support their beliefs. Affirmations based around positive statements of intent can alter your belief system to reflect whatever you want it to reflect. You must realise that your subconscious mind cannot discriminate. It believes everything it is told and will do everything in its power to make that belief a reality in your life. When you realise that your subconscious mind is responsibly for almost all of your behaviour and actions then it becomes apparent why you should take steps to ensure the messages it receives about you and your world should be as positive as humanly possible. IMPORTANT MESSAGE: If you are interested in finding out more about how to increase your self esteem and confidence I will be holding a FREE one day workshop in the new year, especially geared around women's self esteem and how it can affect your relationships. Drop me a line to express your interest and I will give you more details closer to the time. Until next month..

'LOVE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN HURT AND DANCE LIKE NO ONES WATCHING.'..

Arran x

Removing self limiting beliefs

Hi there, and welcome to this months life coaching blog. Over my previous posts I have given you some tips on how to create goals and how to chunk them down into bite sized action steps. However, little of this is of any long term use whilst you still harbour self limiting beliefs, which can hold you back from actually taking the necessary actions in achieving your goals. Imagine you have a garden full of weeds and your goal is to have a beautiful garden of flowers. If you simply cut the weeds down and plant your flowers, no matter how you try, your garden will still be full of weeds because you haven't removed the roots. So in order to remove the roots (limiting beliefs) we often have to dig deep and establish where they first took seed in our minds. We have touched upon some of the areas that our beliefs have stemmed from, so now we need to become aware of the beliefs which don't support your new goals.In doing so, it is also important to establish what beliefs you hold about yourself which do support you and that you wish to carry with you. It is not always easy to self analyze and this is where an experienced coach can help you discover the root of your belief system. Some find this process a little daunting, although once you realize that any belief can be shaken and more over disproved, the idea of believing in things which support you rather than believing in things which have been holding you back, can be like taking a blindfold off after years of darkness. Beliefs are all about our own perceptions of the world and ourselves, they are not the truth, just our view of the 'truth'. If we are going to lie to ourselves, then why not tell ourselves things which make us feel good!!

Top Tips For Removing Self- Limiting Beliefs

Imagine if you would, a table top supported by four legs.

• From the list of positive beliefs you hold about yourself, place one of them on the table top.
• Now identify four statements(the legs) which positively support your belief and write them down.

Repeat this process with your positive beliefs and read them every day SMILE Now turn to a negative belief which you hold about yourself and no longer wish to carry.

• First try and establish at what age you first thought this.
• Place this belief on the table top.
• Next identify four times in your life (legs) when this belief was total crap and write it down.
• Repeat with any other negative belief.

Can you start to see that the negative belief no longer supports you?

Does it still make sense for you to believe it?

Are you starting to shake that negative belief and reinforce the positive belief?

With some work and support from a coach, beliefs which hold you back from getting what you now want in life can be shaken enough for you to disbelieve them.

Until next month

Have fun and choose what you believe!!!

Arran

In My Belief.......

Hi there and welcome to my blog. This time I would like to talk about our beliefs and how they dictate what we think and do in our lives.But before I do, I think it apt to briefly give you a run down of where I came from and what has influenced my thinking. I am the youngest of three children and had parents who both worked hard and gave us as much as they could.Don't get me wrong we were by no means wealthy but I never remember us going without either.I remember my mothers philosophy of you only get what you work for and no one will give you anything for free.This I believe came from her up bringing as she lost both parents in the war and having left school at 14,was forced out of London to work on an Aunts farm in Devon. I am sure there are lots of people with similar stories from that era and their childhood hardships has made them value their possessions, family and money in ways in which even people of my era can never understand.Back then there was no 'Free Money' like credit cards and bank loans or HP; you either saved your money and bought what you wanted or went without..simple. So with that kind of philosophy, she would never be overdrawn or even spend on a credit card and to this day and at some level holds a certain mistrust of banks ( something which for some has become a reality).My point is,that the beliefs of her childhood has stayed with her and has even been passed on to her children,well some of them at least...lol. The way in which she views everything has been formed by how she grew up, where she grew up,who she met and what education and past events she has encountered.All of this has then been passed on to her children, and mixed with their experiences have then in turn influenced their beliefs about the world. Can you remember things your family said when you were growing up? How have these influenced your decisions and 'map of the world'. How does all of this relate to Coaching? The way in which our beliefs affect our lives is boundless.By way of relationships with people, what we believe is possible for ourselves and others, how we love, how we trust and just about any decision we make.The difficulty comes,when the beliefs we have grown to trust and in deed supported about certain situations turn out to be self depreciating or limit our personal growth and enjoyment of life.We have become attached to them and have moulded our lives around them, whether they add value to our lives or not. Try and think of something which you believe about yourself.It may be a perceived flaw in your nature or character.For example,'I am poor at making new friends because I am shy'.

Now think of when your first memory is of feeling this way. What event or situation gave rise to your belief of being shy and not making friends easily? Think of other statements you make about yourself, how do you support those statements?What evidence do you have? How recent is this evidence? My guess would be this kind of self limiting belief came when you were young, maybe at school and has stayed with all this time.In fact you have probably helped to find examples of supporting these beliefs and over the years you have convinced yourself that to be the truth!

Remember you can believe want ever you want to.......

Arran

Next time....... How can I remove a self limiting belief and replace it with a postive one?

Lights,Cameras,Action!

Welcome back to this months Coaching blog.

Is it me, or is time going faster?

July is upon us and for me, another birthday quickly approaches.That's not to say I worry about getting older, its just,I always get that saying going around my head at Birthdays...you know the one about 'Life's not a dress rehearsal'.

Do you ever find yourself looking back over the past year and thinking 'Where did that go?' and 'What have I done?'. I think its a common thought and sometimes easier to do than to look into the future.The past, was full of ups and downs,however, quite often its more in our nature to remember the low points,the challenges and take those feelings onward to the future.

But why? There must have been a mountain of brilliant things we achieved, though most seem to get forgotton.

A really useful tip which I use and which I suggest to my clients,is to start a success journal. A small book buy the side of your bed which you write before you go to sleep every night...... now come on you cynics stick with me and give it a go. 'What successes Arran' I hear you cry 'All I've done today is look after the kids, or gone to work ' Yes, but if you sit quietly and really think back on the day, I bet you will find something positive you have done,which amongst the hustle and bustle can easily be lost.You may have paid that bill that was needed to be paid or finished that report which had been lying around.You may have spent a wonderful hour reading your favourite magazine or had fun with the children when you took them out. As you get into the habit of writing and acknowledging the good from your day it becomes easy to see your successes instead of dwelling on the challenges and headaches. I would much rather fall asleep remembering the great things wouldn't you?

You know those days, and most people get them,when you feel like life is against you, or as I wrote earlier the thought of 'What have I done' with the year, a success journal is a fantastic tool to remind you of all the good you have achieved and how strong you can be.It can raise your spirits and help your motivation to get even more done the following day.

'Life is not a dress rehearsal'.When you feel at your lowest its difficult to think clearly and make confident decisions, so the quicker you snap out of it and focus on the great, the more easily your life will run.....I dare you to give it a try and see!!

I hope you all have a fab July and the sun shines for all of us!!!

Look at your successes, and build on them.

Next time..... Where do your beliefs about yourself and others come from?

Arran